Ninjaness
by S c h e m a t i c
Summary: Naruto isn't too sure, but he has the feeling he's being seduced. By Sasuke. In a fundoshi. Yeah, Naruto can't believe his eyes, either. SasuNaru


**Disclaimer:** I don't fucking own Naruto.

 **Summary:** Naruto isn't too sure, but he has the feeling he's being seduced. By Sasuke. In a fundoshi. Yeah, Naruto can't believe his eyes, either. SasuNaru

 **Pairing:** Naruto/Sasuke

 **Warning:** Adult themes, awkwardness, slash, language, OOC, Sasuke failing at seducing, the excessive use of the words 'fan girls' and fundoshi. And fuck. This is crude.

 **Schematic:** _This is going to be awkward as hell. I do not like this pairing at all. But it amuses me greatly to see the dynamics between the two when you have a very reluctant Naruto in the mix. If any of you can please tell me what I did wrong… or right?_

* * *

 **Schematic  
Ninjaness  
** _There is so much awkward that it can be used to choke someone to death._

Now, Naruto wasn't by any means the most _observant_ of people, neither was he the most _dumb_ , but, well, he's pretty damn sure he has the feeling that he's being seduced. And no, it's _not_ Sakura, as much as he wishes to _fuck_ it was, because then it'd be _way_ less awkward to explain. But no, he's sure _Sasuke_ fucking _Uchiha_ is the one that's trying to seduce him. It would've been funny if he wasn't _scared for his fucking life_.

Why?

It seems the whole of the fucking kunoichi population has caught on to the fact that Sasuke fucking Uchiha is trying to seduce his ass.

Naruto wishes he can at least _choose_ who he ends up with. But he can't. If he so much as _rejects_ the fucking shithead, he's dead. If he does anything to hurt the bastard, even _unintentionally_ , he's dead. Even fucking _Sakura_ was glaring at him because he wasn't reacting to Sasuke's shitty seducing skills.

He's not going to fucking react. Not in the way _Sasuke_ wants him to, anyway. Because fuck if he was going to forfeit his life just because the idiot decides he's the _perfect_ person to spend the rest of his life with.

Fuck off.

"There's girls that are better suited to you," Naruto responds to the _filth_ that has left the duck-butt's mouth. It's true; there's literally _thousands_ of girls that would be better suited to him _and_ there was the added bonus that they were panting after his dick. Not like him. He was still stuck on fucking _Sakura_ , the girl who was standing almost chest to back to Sasuke. He'd _tried_ to get her out of his head, but _fuck_ , you don't just lose a crush the size of the Land of Fire overnight. Before the last scion of the Uchiha name can rebuff with words like _you and me_ , Naruto slams his door in the boy's face.

He thinks he's covered his ass; he gave Sasuke the _better_ alternative, the one where he can reproduce the _fuck_ out of some girl, _and_ he's given the girls that are panting after his dick a chance to fuck the Uchiha's brains out. Win-win, if he does say so.

* * *

He regrets his decision as soon as he wakes up in the morning. _Of course_ there's a fucking Sasuke stalker hanging on the tree _just_ outside of his bedroom window, looking in on him. Judging him. Seeing if he's _worthy_ of their king. He can be seen as unworthy as he fucking _likes_ , because damn if he's going to let the Uchiha touch him intimately.

If he had to choose between Sasuke's dick and Shino's dick, he'd definitely choose Shino's. At least _he_ wouldn't laugh at him if he got something wrong. Not that he's actually _contemplating_ going anywhere near _anyone's_ dick. It's just an example.

 _Just_ an example.

He walks over to the window—where the stalker is still 'hiding'—and shuts his curtains. Hopefully, the stalker regroups and tells everyone to leave him the _fuck_ alone because there are no longer any convenient peepholes to spy on him with. Unless they decide to make their _own_ peepholes… really, you never knew with fan girls.

He shakes his head, deciding that all fan girls—well, all _Uchiha_ fan girls—are rabid pests that have no sense. At least Sakura and Ino grew out of it. Sort of.

He picks up his clothing from the floor and puts it back on. No one's going to notice that he's worn the same pair of clothes the _fourth day_ in a row, simply because his whole wardrobe is just that. One. Fucking. Outfit. Just like every other goddamn ninja in the fucking place. Honestly, he should go and complain about it to Tsunade; they need some kind of _alternative_ to just having one outfit to wear for the rest of time.

Seriously, he wore that fucking orange jumpsuit for _years_. He's surprised it even _lasted_ as long as it did.

When he goes to the front door—the one that he locked in case of intruders—he has a feeling that something is off. The whole 'stalker at the window' wasn't a hint that anything could be off; simply because that behaviour was _normal_ for females above the age of ten. (And wasn't that disappointing for the growing ninja community?) But the feeling he gets when he's a centimetre from opening up his front door is a _huge_ giveaway that something is off.

He peaks through the peephole that came with his door, and comes face to face with the realisation that what he did yesterday wasn't a 'win-win' situation. It was _far_ from it.

There's literally a _hoard_ of fan girls taking up residence _right outside of his house_. He swivels his eye around and steps back in horror when he sees what he had thought was just another house. He'd seen a _tent._ What the fuck. _What_ the _fuck_. ARE THESE FAN GIRLS FUCKING _CRAZY_?! THIS IS A _HOUSING_ DISTRICT! PEOPLE NEED THEIR _FUCKING_ PEACE AND _QUIET_!

Wait, no. Who was he kidding? They _are_ a mob of literal craziness. Of _course_ they'd do this.

He turns around quickly and looks around for all of the exits. He's _not_ going to die a virgin in his own house just because he couldn't _escape_! He mentally crosses out his bedroom window; there'd be a lot of fan girls there now, cutting off his escape routes. That means the kitchen windows were out, also. Were any of these fan girls ninja? If they weren't, he'd be able to make a quick exit.

On the other hand, if they were… he shudders. No. He's not going to die from overzealous fan girls who want him to bone their king. And _what was_ _up_ with that?! _Why do they want him to tarnish their precious Uchiha?_ It couldn't be just to have the peace of mind of having him _happy_. As far as _he_ knew, fan girls wanted Sasuke all to themselves. Hell, he'd seen it happen in front of his own eyes when he was just a child.

A girl had been so verbally abused in front of him that she broke down and _cried_. The next day, she'd become another fan girl of the flock that protected Sasuke from any people that wanted to take him away romantically.

Enough of that though. Escape routes. That's what he needs. He needs to get out of here, hopefully without any injuries. He knows it's near impossible, but he's the person that's been known to kick the impossible in the face and then spit on it when it's down, still trying to recover.

His bathroom window is tiny as hell, but that's the only escape he can think of, other than spooning himself out through the floor. That could literally take _years_ and he doesn't have that kind of time. Well, he does; people would file a missing person's report, hopefully a capable ninja (that wasn't fucking Sasuke) would come and save him, and they'd live happily ever after in a cave in the middle of the woods in Lightning. But he doesn't want to sit around and wait. He's not that kind of guy.

Ask anyone that knows him.

(A couple of words such as "hot-head", "idiot" and "doesn't think" come to mind of many, many people when asked, and they also blurt it out, too. But at least they know he doesn't just sit around and wait to be rescued by some damsel in distress. He's read those fairy tales. He knows how it ends. That's why he doesn't want to be saved; he doesn't want to have to marry them. _Eugh._ )

He goes to the bathroom, relieves himself, then looks closely at the little window above his toilet. It could _maybe_ fit his foot. Maybe. If he chopped off some of his toes and squished some of his ligaments. He's sure it'll work. Absolutely _positive._

 _I'll henge myself_ , Naruto thinks and nods decisively to himself. He'll henge himself into a kunai, get his clone to throw him outside, and _poof_ , he'll be free. But getting out will be the easiest part; the hard part will be getting back _in_. He rolls his eyes. _I'll just crash at Kiba's._

He makes the appropriate signs, releases his chakra, and his clone pops out, standing erect with an emotionless gaze. Ah, now he knows what he'd look like if he'd had the same attitude as Sasuke. Dead.

"When I henge into a kunai, I want you to throw me _out_ of the window. Don't forget to _open the damn thing_ before throwing me," he whispers. His clone nods at him. He'd learned the hard way to always make sure his clones knew to open the fucking windows and doors _before_ throwing him. He henges into a kunai and gets picked up by the clone, who puts his foot in the toilet (ugh, he's going to have _memories_ of this), opens the latch to the window and—

—and nothing else, because thefucking doorbell rings.

 _I'll never get out of here_ , he bemoans, when the idiot freezes in his spot, one hand on the window latch, the other on the wall to help with his balancing issues, and his foot _still_ in the toilet. His clone twitches, as if to go and investigate, but then looks to him—the _real_ Naruto—and realises that, yes, _he needs to_ _throw the fucking kunai_!

Without so much as an expletive—because the idiot hasn't realised it can speak yet _thank fuck_ —and without ceremony, he's tossed out of the bathroom window.

* * *

He's almost— _almost_ —caught by a stray fan girl patrolling the area, when he jumps down from the rooftop (what a fucking _rookie_ move). The girl had looked in his direction for a split second, where he'd held his breath, and then gone to look elsewhere. He exhales, near silently, and sneaks 'round the back alleys. He's not going to risk being caught. He doesn't even _want_ to know what they'd do to him if he gets caught.

He will _not_ find out first hand.

Nope.

He will be _told_ , damn it.

When it's all clear of fan girls, he finally— _finally_ —steps into the open air, where the sun is shining and everyone looks truly _magnificent_. He takes in a deep breath, savouring the moment, because for all he knows, this moment will only last a _minute_ at most.

" _Naruto_!"

Crap, he ruined it.

* * *

He groans, clutching his head. He hadn't seen the woman come at him. All he'd heard was an angry yell—his _name_ for fuck's sake—and _bam_. Stars. He looks up with tears in his eyes— _yes,_ tears; that fucking _hurt_ , damn it—and sees Sakura, with her fisted hands against her hips. _Why_ is it that every time he sees her, he's always being hit? He didn't even _do_ anything this time! Well, except for that thing last week—

No, no; she'd have had him then if she'd known.

"Are you even _listening_?!" she screeches at him. Honestly, no, he had not been. He still really isn't. He's just trying to puzzle out why she hit him. One, he only saw her yesterday, where she'd damned nearly plastered herself to Sasuke's back. Two, he'd said hello to her. Three…

Oh.

"Is this about Sasuke?" he sighs, pushing himself off of the ground. Her abrupt silence says it all. He rolls his eyes at her. "Look, Sakura-chan, I'm not interested in him. _You_ can have him."

"I have Lee," she protests.

"Well, there you go," he says, folding his arms and nodding. "I have someone I like, and I don't want him ruining—"

"It's me," she interrupts, flatly. "Look, just give him a chance."

Naruto raises his eyebrows at her, as if she's talking nonsense. Which she totally is. Because _him_? With the _bastard_? No. It wouldn't work. It _won't_ work. What the hell does Sasuke _see_ in him, anyway? A willing asshole? Plus, look at what Sasuke had _done_ to him when they were twelve. He nearly _ripped out his_ _chest_! Hell  no. If that's what he has to look forward to in a relationship with the bastard, then count him _out_.

"No," he rebuffs. She opens her mouth to speak, but he holds up at hand to forestall her rant. "Why did you hit me?"

"You were _rude_ —"

"I _wasn't_. Hell, he should've _expected_ that! He should've actually expected me to _hit_ him! He's lucky I didn't."

"Naruto—"

"No," he snarls, forcefully. She shuts her mouth. "I don't want to have to deal with this _shit_ for the rest of my life. Sasuke can deal with his multitude of stalkers and fans; _I_ sure as hell won't."

* * *

A few hours later, after he's had some lunch, he stalks past the housing district—he wants to avoid those fan girls as much as he can, _thank_ you—towards Kiba's, to see if he can crash at his place for the night (or for the _rest of his life_ ), only to find his path blocked. By fan girls. The very things he had been hoping to _avoid_. He scans the backs of them—thank fuck they're not even looking at him—and finds a few kunoichi hidden in the otherwise civilian crowd.

For fuck's sake, it's like they're _stalking_ him! And they're not even _aware_ of it!

If there's a huge group of fan girls, it usually means they've found their target: Sasuke. Which means he's in the vicinity. And, of course, he's on the other side of this damn barricade of women, who're either cringing in horror or drooling. Drooling, he can understand; they usually _always_ do this around Sasuke. But cringing? In horror? When he's not holding any weapons? What the hell is _this_?

He pushes into the crowd to investigate, because he isn't the number one prankster for nothing. He _has_ to get whatever it is on tape. He has to _record_ it, because if his fans are cringing, it means he's doing something near unforgivable. Like hugging puppies, or something.

When he breaks through the crowd, he's bewildered to find Sasuke swimming. So… what? His fan girls don't want him swimming? He thought they _wanted_ him to have a toned body! What's wrong with these girls?! First they surround his _house_ and now they disapprove of Sasuke _swimming_?!

"Hey, Naruto!" the bastard calls out. He sighs and trudges towards the water's edge, painfully aware of all of the glares—and stares—aimed at his back. It's not _his_ fucking fault the prick decided to call out to him. If anything, it's _theirs_ ; _they_ were the ones who made him take notice. Not their precious Sasuke. "Get in!"

"No," he says, steps back, and turns around. Nope, he's not dealing with this. Whatever the hell Sasuke is planning this time, he doesn't want a part of it. He's halfway through the crowd of complacent fan girls—and really, it's about damn time—when his bicep it held by a very cold, and wet hand.

The only thing he does in response to this, is yelp. Loud and sudden. He also flails. He turns towards where the hand has come from, and finds that attached to the wet hand, is an equally wet, half-naked Sasuke, who's wearing a dark red fundoshi. There's amusement in those dark eyes, and then he's let go.

A pleased smirk plays on the bastard's lips, and Naruto's brain finally catches up to what he's seeing.

Sure, some might think that the bastard is attractive—what with those dark eyes, that black hair and his toned body—but to Naruto, he's just another comrade. So excuse him when he starts to laugh when his brain catches onto the fact that Sasuke is _wearing a_ _fundoshi_! At the disgruntled face the boy—man, now that he's twenty—makes, Naruto's hit with the sudden realisation that he has _no fucking clue_ what he's wearing. He gasps for air, grabs hold of Sasuke's shoulders and turns him around.

He sees Sasuke's bare ass, just like he thought.

He pushes the man away, clutching at his stomach. He doesn't care that all of the girls that are watching from a distance are glaring at him, because _fuck_. The stoic Uchiha wearing a _fundoshi_? Funny as hell.

He gasps one last time and turns around to stare Sasuke right in the eyes. He bites his lip from looking down again—in case he might start laughing (and no one wants _that_ )—and grins at Sasuke.

"Decided to go for a swim?" he asks, almost casually. Well, as casually as he can ask after he'd just laughed at someone.

The man smirks back at him, crossing his arms. "Like what you see?"

Naruto chokes, because he isn't too sure, but he has the feeling he's being seduced. By Sasuke. Who happens to be in a fundoshi. Yeah, Naruto can't believe his eyes, either. It's why he's patting Sasuke on the shoulder, because he can't have heard that right. He may have been hearing right yesterday—when Sasuke had asked him to _go out_ —but surely, he's hearing things today.

Totally hearing things.

Yep.

* * *

When he walks away from the river he'd found the fan girls and Sasuke in, it's with a feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach. The asshole had kissed him on the cheek—as if he had the fucking _right_ to—and told him to get ready for tonight.

What the fuck does he _mean_ tonight?! He'd _rejected_ the asshole!

The only good thing that came out of seeing Sasuke in a fundoshi, is that he's positive all of the women—and some men—are going to start wearing the fundoshi until they come _back_ in style.

He snorts. As if.

* * *

It's seven o'clock at night, when he hears a knock on his front door. He'd decided not to sleep over Kiba's, because for some reason, the fan girls had left the housing district alone. For now, he's safe.

Well, as safe as he can be with someone _knocking at his door_ at seven o'clock at night!

He rolls off of his bed and places the scroll he was reading on his bedside table. Shucking on a shirt, he goes to the door and looks through the peephole. He freezes when he sees flowers, and the familiar duck-butt hairstyle of the last Uchiha. _Fuck_ , so he wasn't kidding? Swallowing—and praying to the gods that this would be a very _short_ visit—he unlocks and opens the door.

The first thing that happens when it's opened, is lips on his, before they're suddenly gone.

"WHAT THE _FUCK_ , TEME?!" he screams, jumping back and landing in a crouch. He will _fight_ this bastard out of his home, because he does _not fucking tolerate_ this shit! You _warn_ someone when you're going to kiss them! You get their _fucking consent_ first! Did he say the bastard could do so? _No_! "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

"But I _told_ you—"

"No you fucking did _not_! You said to 'get ready' for tonight! After I fucking _rejected_ you yesterday!"

"C'mon, Naruto, you're the only—"

"What? I'm the only one who would say _no_? Well shove it up your _ass_ , bastard! You don't just go around and _kiss_ people! I didn't even fucking _agree_ to this!"

"Naru—" Naruto lunges for Sasuke and the flowers go flying, the petals falling to the ground. He smashes his lips against the stunned brunette, pinning him to the ground with his hands on his shoulders. "Naruto—" he gasps, eyes wide, when Sasuke pushes him back roughly. "—what are you _doing_?"

"Giving you what you want, _obviously_ ," Naruto growls, shoving Sasuke back onto the ground, his head thudding against the wooden patio. Sasuke, whose eyes are still open, stare back up at him stoically. "Since you didn't ask, I thought I'd give you a piece of your medicine."

Sasuke sighs and turns his head away. "I didn't mean like _that_. I thought we'd start off with a… date."

* * *

Naruto sits in his favourite orange chair, staring at Sasuke. He hadn't meant to… go off like that. But he's just so fucking _sick_ of all the people telling him what he can and can't do. It drives him _crazy_. He's the master of his own person and he listens only to the Hokage. Only _Tsunade_ can tell him what to do.

"So you _don't_ just want me for my body?" Naruto asks, bemused. He'd thought this had just been… you know, a practical joke. Something to blow off steam.

"Well… actually…" Sasuke mutters, rubbing the back of his neck. He sighs. "Yes, I just want your body. I want to get… over you."

"… over me?" _What_.

"I've loved you since I was twelve, Naruto," Sasuke breathes. The man rolls his eyes when Naruto just stares back, his mouth hanging open. Excuse the fuck out of _him_ that he'd just learnt his childhood rival—mostly enemy… _definitely_ enemy—had loved him since their genin days. "I just want to stop loving you so I can restore my clan."

Naruto looks heavenward, thinking about it. He doesn't look forward to what he's about to commit to, but damn it, if it'll make Sasuke _leave him alone_ , then he's all for it. Even _if_ it'll be the first time he has sex. Fuck, he was going to take away his _virginity_! His _gay sex_ virginity! _And_ the whole sex virginity! _Fuck_.

"Let's get this over with then."

* * *

It's awkward when they start. Naruto's kneeling naked on his bed, with Sasuke equally naked beneath him. He's never looked at a dick intentionally in all of his fucking life, and he decides to start _now_ of all times? For fuck's sake, he's going to have to see a mind healer after this.

"How do you want to do this?" he breathes, because fuck if he knew what he was supposed to do. Did Sasuke even research how two men have sex? Because _he_ sure as fuck hadn't. He knows where _what_ is supposed to go _where_ but that is the extent of his knowledge.

"I want you," Sasuke replies, unhelpfully. Naruto rolls his eyes; save him from needy Uchiha's with equally unhelpful directions. He sighs, but decides to start where he thinks he should start. He presses his lips against the brunettes, pushes his tongue in the other man's mouth, and kisses him. While he's doing that, he slips one hand down and wraps his hand around Sasuke's half-hard penis. The man's breath hitches, making Naruto grin.

"You like that, huh?" he murmurs against Sasuke's lips, stroking slowly up and down.

He just receives a moan and a shaky nod in response. He leans away from Sasuke slightly, until he's kneeling just between his thighs. He continues to stroke, with one hand wandering around the willing body beneath him. He runs his nails lightly against the man's nipples, down his stomach, near his thighs, until he has one hand on the shaft of Sasuke's now fully hard cock, and the other teasing the slit of it.

The bucking of Sasuke's hips makes him confident that he enjoys it. That, or he's just being a spaz in bed. One or the other. He's not going to _really_ complain about it. Yet.

He removes one hand from Sasuke's cock to tug at his own; he might as well enjoy it himself if he's going to participate. Sasuke gasps when Naruto ups the pace. "Naru—" he pants, "Naruto—let—I'm going—"

"Well that's what you wanted, wasn't it?" Naruto asks, grinning down at him. The other man shakes his head, his eyes rolling back. Suddenly, Sasuke's cock pulses, and white, pearling liquid bursts forth, splattering part of Naruto. He splutters, letting go, watching Sasuke shudder in the aftermath.

He continues to slowly stroke himself.

"I—you—" He watches, amused, as Sasuke shakes his head, looking at him almost angrily. "That's not how it was supposed to go!"

He tilts his head. "How was it supposed to go?"

"You were—I was—" he takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, then slowly exhales. When he opens his eyes, he stares at Naruto with a mock glare. And, yes, it was a mock glare because it was _so far removed_ from a glare that it wasn't even funny. "I wanted you to fuck me before I came."

Flushing, Naruto lets go of his own cock, as if burnt. "What?!" he screeches. "I don't know what to _do_! I've never—I don't—!" he shakes his head. "Sasuke—"

"You've never—?!" Sasuke bellows, then sighs, throwing an arm over his eyes. "Of course you've never," he mutters. He sits up. "Look, I'll show you what to do."

* * *

That's how he finds himself balls deep in Sasuke's ass, the brunette grunting and moaning beneath him. Surprisingly, he'd put the condom on himself properly. Of course, Sasuke had pitched a fit about how he shouldn't _need_ a condom, since they both don't have STDs or any kind of infection.

But Naruto doesn't fucking want shit on his dick, thanks, even _if_ Sasuke had already—previously—gotten rid of all the gunk inside of him for this endeavour. You never know _what_ the bastard had missed.

* * *

He watches Sasuke come while he's thrusting away. He's so _close_ —

Feeling on the edge, he withdraws himself, takes off the condom, and curls his hand around his cock, rubbing and thrusting as fast as he can go.

He comes with Sasuke beneath him, the white liquid spraying the brunette's chest.

* * *

"We don't talk about what happened last night, agreed?" Naruto says, looking down at his carpeted floor upon waking up. Last night had been a _disaster_. He does _not_ want there to be a second time. The first time was _more_ than enough. "And we don't do this again. Ever."

"Agreed," Sasuke grunts into the pillow.

* * *

When Naruto looks out of the window, he snorts.

Everyone's wearing a fundoshi.

He _knew_ it.

* * *

 **End**

* * *

 **Schematic:** _Just something silly._


End file.
